08.04.13
Sunday
At this hour I type...it has been almost exactly 48 hours since he died.
One of my best friend's (whom we'll call J) husbands (whom we'll call E). At least twice (previously) issued a 'remission' of cancer/clean bill of health but ....Not this time...he #died.
But this isn't just someone's husband...or another cancer statistic. This time - it's different. I mean, eternally different. More than a person, more than a father, more than a husband, more than a son, more than a brother.
You see, E's surviving spouse/wife (J) is responsible for saving mine....aside from JC Himself. My mind still reels from loss of life in this family, given their impact on mine. If I had a life to spare, as in our ever-entertaining world of video game culture, he would've been given one of mine. I'd like to tell you their relationship was strong, tenured, functional and that they had some kind of clean, neat, perfectly packaged ministry of plucking lost souls from the gutter. However, at the time I met them in my 'gutter'; they didn't. I partied and did many "girls night out" nights with J!
At that time, I was facing utterly unjust actions from my previous husband regarding our son. I was coming full face with the depth of manipulation of not only individuals on a personal level, but dysfunction in our judicial system as well (ah - the small town stories were true). The odds were more than stacked against me, and for the first time in my life, I couldn't find it in me to fight back. I was panicked, as I had been a 'fighter' all my life! Things had gone on so long. My "hamburger"like-state heart had long since been sent through the meat-grinder. Self preservation had slowly drifted off and fully evaporated like a morning dew at sunrise. Gone for not only the day, but what felt like forever. Of course, my personal responsibility in this goes far back before my marriage. Too much to include here. Suffice to say, between both of our pasts, there were numerous red flags (un-seen at the time).
It was at the point of feeling a true state of hopelessness, having nothing left to live for that J&E entered back into my life. I was married so young, so being in my early/mid-twenties, with a failed marriage, my failing health, broken lives (times 3), a hopeless state of legal affairs, rising financial debt; all without chance of restoration was more than most people experience in a lifetime. The lingering tingle (of my fighter heart) of self-preservation felt permanently gone. Why bother with anything? Why bother living? What was the point? Everything was too far gone. I believed, at the time, life was not only pointless but should I happen to drive off a nearby bridge, or drink too much one night...the world would be better off. I had made such a mess of things. In my mind, and in my broken heart, the accusations and blame from others had taken root and I swallowed it all hook, line and sinker. #Sinker My life was a truly a proverbial hot, steamy...m-e-s-s. #Sinking was an understatement. I was at the depths of the unexplored ocean.
It had been a few months since one of J & I's 'girls nights out'. We still worked for the same company, but we had received promotions which moved us to separate departments. Some of J's own marital issues had kept her busy, floundering, searching. She had 'stumbled' upon a new babysitter (with 2 boys, she was still working full time, with a deployed military husband). Apparently, this new babysitter started inviting J to church. She easily accepted the invitation as she had been #raised with a message of the goodness, kindness, tenderness, faithfulness and unconditional love of Jesus. What?!
Pause.
I would've never known. Girls night out, in the hottest bar in a big city, wasn't a place we ever talked about Jesus.
I had no idea of her upbringing. Yet there was a light in her life I can not dispute.
Eventually, J starts calling me = enter stage left. I have many times thought about the timing of her re-entering my life. To say it was a life-saver, or that she 'saved' my life sounds cliché...but you guys... I can think of no other way to explain the timing of her new annoying phone calls (during which she would invite me to church). Ha! A beer I could understand, it worked in my brain, but church? I was genuinely worried about her! Was she roped into a cult? Was she emotionally unstable? Why would I want to go to church? Who cares what kind of person is speaking at her church? What did any of that have to do with my hopeless mess of a life? Me. me. me. :(
The thing is, when you have nothing left to be hopeful about, a reoccurring invitation to church (to get your bf off your back) seems like no big deal. It's here I make no bones about how I ended up in church that day. I went simply, and utterly to get her to stop making awkward invitations ... and the donuts sounded good too. Period. Nothing spiritual about it in my head or heart. It's like this: No one goes to the mirror to remove the spinach in their teeth until they know it's there, because someone told them about it.
_____ I had not looked in a mirror (proverbial or literal) for a long time. I had more than "spinach in my teeth" people!
____ I had a dead spirit and my soul and body were slowly dying with it. It was morbidity on all levels; the physical is the last to 'really' show it because it's outward where people can easily see the deterioration.
That morning I went to church with J, after the message, I remember falling / hard / to my knees.The pastor was saying something about, if after hearing the message, any part of it tugged at your heart, to come pray with the pastor. He explained who Jesus Christ was as a Savior, a Father/Abba, a King, a righteous Judge...and a Friend.
I didn't know about all though characteristics, but I can tell you this. Whatever the pastor was speaking about shot through my bones 1000's times more powerful than a 9volt battery to the tongue. He literally might as well have been reading directly out of my journal. To say I experienced fear of the Lord that morning, would be...accurate....although I had no idea what was happening. The rest was a bit of a blur that day, however the next 17 years would be written in history books (in heaven).
Years have gone by. Seventeen years since that visit to J's church. Seventeen years I have purposed, struggled, fought, and intentionally pursued a real relationship with Jesus. I'm alive...fully alive. My life has reason, purpose, hope. I know what I'm here for. I love myself, and I love other people. I try not to pass judgments on anyone because I have been the lowest of the low. Someone cared enough to come scrape me out of that gutter. I would do the same in a heartbeat. I love Jesus, and I know he gave his life for a messy one like mine. I still think about that everyday. He loves me enough to trade his Kingship, ruling all of Heaven, for my stinky, broken, m-e-s-s-e-d up life. In fact, he did that before I ever met him that day at J's church. In my #sinking, at my worst, He loved me unexplainably...but just as much as He loves me now in an awesome relationship with Him.
J had to have known that. She had to have experienced that real love of Jesus. If she hadn't, she would not have given pause to the value of my life, my state. She chose not to step over me in the gutter. That is what the love of Jesus is all about. If I can share that, pass on the fullness of His love to you...even if just one person ...then my life was a complete and total success. I have had everything. I have had plenty and been in want. I have had material things and been without. I have experienced total hopelessness and had the value of life & hope restored. Not a thing on earth can do that for me...ever.
I pray for J. today. I pray my new life, my hope restored - seventeen year life - would somehow, in some way....be a comfort to her. To know that even in her husbands death...I am alive today, in more ways than one, in large part because of them.
To the Only Wise God, The One Eternal...be all honor, and glory, and power. Amen.
To E - I can't wait to see you again; someday. I have this #hope.
To J - I dedicate this blog. I love you with all my heart. To say thank you seems miniscule.
To any readers - life is amazing. Find the Love of your Life. Purpose. Clarity. Peace. Security ...and everything else you could hope for. It's here - with the One True God.
No cheesiness...Just Truth.
#lifechanged
Elizabeth
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